Holy Motherhood! *So let there be children!*#links ( <=== Part 1 is here)
I know it sounds insane. Why on earth would anyone call suffering an honor? Most of our society believes that no one should have to suffer, and while that may be true in a way, we must remember as it is a result of our sinfulness, it is also how the broken and damned are redeemed: how? through Jesus Christ. What He did on Calvary washed clean all those who ruined perfectness. But how does that apply to us? Why is our suffering important at all and why does it matter for good? I'm going to explain, so don't worry, haha.
My first in this series was mostly about what happened last year with the hospitalization of my youngest baby boy, Cajetan. He was 4.5 weeks old and ended up in a hospital out of state because its the hospital closest to where we were vacationing. He was treated for meningitis, and what an ordeal that was. Finally, we arrived home and just as was getting my life back together, what do you know, another test from the Good Lord was imminent. Not to mention, a friend's precious baby boy had just recently passed away the month before and I had about had enough. It was time for God to give me a break- so *I* thought.
We arrived home in September 2015, and late to begin our homeschooling year. I was an anxious mess. How do you make up for 3-4 weeks of homeschooling? It was overwhelming. I finally got my routine back into some kind of order, (other moms know what I mean, here, right? What order?!), and November 30 rolls around, and time for Nathan's routine colonoscopy. As some of you know, a week after my dad passed away in March 2014, we realized Nathan was very ill. He was diagnosed in May (finally) with what we suspected (worse actually) all along. He was diagnosed with moderate Crohns disease at age 8. My husband took him a few hours away to the specialists, and then we heard the worst. His Crohns after 2 years, was worse. it was elevated to severe, and the colonoscopy had to be stopped early because of bleeding that began during the procedure. The news we were hoping NOT to hear came. He was being hospitalized. I JUST thought I was getting our homeschooling back in order and - again- a disruption. 2 months into recovery form the last hospital visit, and yet, again, hello hospital. My heart sank. I was angry. I told the Lord I cannot have this right now. I told Him that this was not good timing. I told him I have a zillion things to handle already, and I can't take anymore. I felt His words in my heart, "But I am asking you to."
So, because I believe that all things come from God, even our chances to show our commitment to whatever He asks of us, I submitted. AGAIN. I asked Him to help me, because He must know something I don't. He knows there is a lesson I will learn, and how could I not want to learn from Him? Of course, friends and family come around to help, which is amazing. It's like watching God mobilize His amazing army into position, wherever He needs them positioned. And then I was comforted knowing He had this because I could SEE what he was taking care of.
.... but, what I wanted Him to take care of was Nathan. I wanted Him to heal his Crohns. I wanted to see and hear that my boy could be normally happy again. I wanted to see him happy to not have the symptoms he seems to have had forever, to finally be gone. I wanted him HEALED. I was desperate. It was torturous to watch him suffer while I wasn't. * I leaned on Our Lady again, because I knew she knew my pain. I know she knew the same feelings I was feeling. I knew she wanted the things I wanted for my boy. But, I also had to resign myself from controlling the situation. He was in God's plan, not mine. I had to release him to God's Will. And pray.
It is almost the worst thing a mom can see. Seeing your children suffering so and unable to do nothing. Waiting on God is all one momma can do, and hoping He hears our prayers and pleas. It was hard to watch Nathan have to fast for 4 days. He was on IVs but that didn't help his tummy not feel starving. It was called a bowel rest. He had to get up several times in the night to go to the bathroom. It was hard to sleep. I stayed with Nathan the whole time except for the weekend when Maynard (my husband) stayed so I could have a break, since I stayed at the hospital with a 4 month old baby while I was with Nathan. It was rough. I had the stroller, the pack and play, but I can only leave the rest to your creative imagination.
There were times I had to leave the room so I could eat, which was hard because I felt so guilty. If I wasn't nursing too, I could've fasted I thought, with Nathan, but I had Cajetan to care for too. I developed a sore throat and cold like lung bug. Seeing Nathan not being able to eat was very hard. He complained sometimes of being so hungry and then would ask me, "Mom, when can I eat? How long before I can eat?"
It's something that we take for granted so often because it's so easy to do. Simply to eat. I know when I am hungry, it hurts. All I could do was imagine what he was feeling, not being able to satisfy his hunger. MY heart was breaking.
So I had to gently tell Nathan, "Soon. But offer it up to God, Nathan, the way Jesus did."
We are suppose to be like Him, right?
"We can offer up your suffering for those who do not love Him. He chose you. He chose you because He made you with something that makes you strong enough to do it. You can give this all to Him. Keep being strong. You can do it."All the words I could say I prayed would help us be stronger in the situation. I told Nathan as I cried that I wish he didn't have to suffer. I wish he could be like his brothers. I wish that he could eat whatever he wanted. I wish he didn't stop growing for the last two years. I told him that I don't know why God was asking him to bear this. I told him that I DO know its because He loves him, and that he can help Jesus save souls and bring glory to God's Holy Name.
You know what he told me? He said something close to this, "I wish sometimes that I didn't have Crohns, but I am happy to have it so I can offer this suffering up. I want to help the souls."
*TISSUES PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!*
(He also mentioned to me that it was ok if I go eat because, "maybe tomorrow I will get to eat.")
VIRTUE. This is why I KNOW and believe in redemptive suffering. This is how I KNOW and believe it is an honor, because, GOD gets the FULL glory. Every time. This little boy shocked me. I couldn't believe that in all this time, *I* was the one complaining more than he was about his condition. *I* was the one angry he had Crohns. *I* was the one upset that it was disrupting our lives. It took me to being in that hospital, in that room, at that very moment, crying with my child, to realize that I needed to EMBRACE this cross with Nathan, the way that Our Lord did. I needed to submit to His plan. I didn't want Crohns to run our life anymore. I realize that I needed to look upon Nathan the way I look upon Sebastian. That "These light, momentary afflictions are preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." 2 Cor.4:17.
I needed to accept it. I finally could. But I prayed more. We blessed Nathan with St. Raphael's oil, prayed novenas, and blessed him with special holy water from Turkey from a shrine of Our Lady. Family visited him throughout the ten days he was there at the hospital. He improved some (although he was still going to have to be on Humira injections), was on prednisone for a while, and I had successful discussion about his diet with the dieticians.
We were able to come home, and watch him improve everyday. We watched him become a happy active boy again, the first time since his diagnosis (2 years). In March, we visited the Shrine of Saint John Neumann in Philadelphia. This is where he begged St. John Neumann for his prayers that he would be completely healed if he could be, with such child-like faith. To my surprise, it was only then at his March appointment afterwards, that I heard the best news ever in two years. His bloodwork showed amazing results like that of never before since his diagnosis. I was driving when the Dr. called, so I had to pull over as soon as I could to cry. His anemia was completely gone. His hemoglobin was great. EVERYTHING was greatly improved. I know for sure it was God's Blessing. I don't know for sure how much of it was the massive overhaul of his diet changes and supplements, or just the Humira. But I do know that the Humira wasn't working for two months prior to making changes. And I believe St. John Neumann's prayers helped. It's an amazing story, yes. Nathan will always use your prayers, because we do pray for healing. Complete healing. We are working with his doctor to venture into whatever can help him naturally, but the Humira will not be out anytime soon. He is still very happy and healthy. He is a great witness to me of virtue, and perseverance, and joyful suffering. He reminds me of how I should be.
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| Nathan running track again-finally- July 2016 |
J.M.J.
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