Part 2- Nathan Paul

Next in my series on Suffering Being an Honor....

Holy Motherhood! *So let there be children!*#links ( <=== Part 1 is here)

I know it sounds insane.  Why on earth would anyone call suffering an honor?  Most of our society believes that no one should have to suffer, and while that may be true in a way, we must remember as it is a result of our sinfulness, it is also how the broken and damned are redeemed: how? through Jesus Christ.  What He did on Calvary washed clean all those who ruined perfectness.  But how does that apply to us? Why is our suffering important at all and why does it matter for good? I'm going to explain, so don't worry, haha.

My first in this series was mostly about what happened last year with the hospitalization of my youngest baby boy, Cajetan. He was 4.5 weeks old and ended up in a hospital out of state because its the hospital closest to where we were vacationing.  He was treated for meningitis, and what an ordeal that was.  Finally, we arrived home and just as was getting my life back together, what do you know, another test from the Good Lord was imminent.  Not to mention, a friend's precious baby boy had just recently passed away the month before and I had about had enough.  It was time for God to give me a break- so *I* thought. 

We arrived home in September 2015, and late to begin our homeschooling year.  I was an anxious mess. How do you make up for 3-4 weeks of homeschooling? It was overwhelming.  I finally got my routine back into some kind of order, (other moms know what I mean, here, right? What order?!), and November 30 rolls around, and time for Nathan's routine colonoscopy.  As some of you know, a week after my dad passed away in March 2014, we realized Nathan was very ill.  He was diagnosed in May (finally) with what we suspected (worse actually) all along. He was diagnosed with moderate Crohns disease at age 8.  My husband took him a few hours away to the specialists, and then we heard the worst.  His Crohns after 2 years, was worse.  it was elevated to severe, and the colonoscopy had to be stopped early because of bleeding that began during the procedure.  The news we were hoping NOT to hear came.  He was being hospitalized.  I JUST thought I was getting our homeschooling back in order and - again- a disruption. 2 months into recovery form the last hospital visit, and yet, again, hello hospital.  My heart sank.  I was angry.  I told the Lord I cannot have this right now.  I told Him that this was not good timing.  I told him I have a zillion things to handle already, and I can't take anymore. I felt His words in my heart, "But I am asking you to."

So, because I believe that all things come from God, even our chances to show our commitment to whatever He asks of us, I submitted. AGAIN. I asked Him to help me, because He must know something I don't. He knows there is a lesson I will learn, and how could I not want to learn from Him?  Of course, friends and family come around to help, which is amazing.  It's like watching God mobilize His amazing army into position, wherever He needs them positioned.  And then I was comforted knowing He had this because I could SEE what he was taking care of. 

.... but, what I wanted Him to take care of was Nathan. I wanted Him to heal his Crohns. I wanted to see and hear that my boy could be normally happy again. I wanted to see him happy to not have the symptoms he seems to have had forever, to finally be gone. I wanted him HEALED.  I was desperate. It was torturous to watch him suffer while I wasn't.  * I leaned on Our Lady again, because I knew she knew my pain.  I know she knew the same feelings I was feeling. I knew she wanted the things I wanted for my boy. But, I also had to resign myself from controlling the situation.  He was in God's plan, not mine. I had to release him to God's Will. And pray.

It is almost the worst thing a mom can see.  Seeing your children suffering so and unable to do nothing.  Waiting on God is all one momma can do, and hoping He hears our prayers and pleas.  It was hard to watch Nathan have to fast for 4 days.  He was on IVs but that didn't help his tummy not feel starving. It was called a bowel rest.  He had to get up several times in the night to go to the bathroom.  It was hard to sleep.  I stayed with Nathan the whole time except for the weekend when Maynard (my husband) stayed so I could have a break, since I stayed at the hospital with a 4 month old baby while I was with Nathan. It was rough. I had the stroller, the pack and play, but I can only leave the rest to your creative imagination.

There were times I had to leave the room so I could eat, which was hard because I felt so guilty.  If I wasn't nursing too, I could've fasted I thought, with Nathan, but I had Cajetan to care for too.  I developed a sore throat and cold like lung bug.  Seeing Nathan not being able to eat was very hard.  He complained sometimes of being so hungry and then would ask me, "Mom, when can I eat? How long before I can eat?"
It's something that we take for granted so often because it's so easy to do.  Simply to eat. I know when I am hungry, it hurts. All I could do was imagine what he was feeling, not being able to satisfy his hunger. MY heart was breaking.
So I had to gently tell Nathan, "Soon.  But offer it up to God, Nathan, the way Jesus did." 
We are suppose to be like Him, right?
"We can offer up your suffering for those who do  not love Him. He chose you.  He chose you because He made you with something that makes you strong enough to do it. You can give this all to Him.  Keep being strong. You can do it."


All the words I could say I prayed would help us be stronger in the situation. I told Nathan as I cried that I wish he didn't have to suffer.  I wish he could  be like his brothers.  I wish that he could eat whatever he wanted. I wish he didn't stop growing for the last two years. I told him that I don't know why God was asking him to bear this. I told him that I DO know its because He loves him, and that he can help Jesus save souls and bring glory to God's Holy Name. 

You know what he told me? He said something close to this, "I wish sometimes that I didn't have Crohns, but I am happy to have it so I can offer this suffering up. I want to help the souls."

*TISSUES PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!* 

(He also mentioned to me that it was ok if I go eat because, "maybe tomorrow I will get to eat.")

VIRTUE.  This is why I KNOW and believe in redemptive suffering. This is how I KNOW and believe it is an honor, because, GOD gets the FULL glory.  Every time.  This little boy shocked me.  I couldn't believe that in all this time, *I* was the one complaining more than he was about his condition.  *I* was the one angry he had Crohns. *I* was the one upset that it was disrupting our lives. It took me to being in that hospital, in that room, at that very moment, crying with my child, to realize that I needed to EMBRACE this cross with Nathan, the way that Our Lord did. I needed to submit to His plan. I didn't want Crohns to run our life anymore.

I realize that I needed to look upon Nathan the way I look upon Sebastian.  That "These light, momentary afflictions are preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." 2 Cor.4:17.

I needed to accept it. I finally could.  But I prayed more. We blessed Nathan with St. Raphael's oil, prayed novenas, and blessed him with special holy water from Turkey from a shrine of Our Lady.  Family visited him throughout the ten days he was there at the hospital. He improved some (although he was still going to have to be on Humira injections), was on prednisone for a while, and I had successful discussion about his diet with the dieticians.

We were able to come home, and watch him improve everyday.  We watched him become a happy active boy again, the first time since his diagnosis (2 years).  In March, we visited the Shrine of Saint John Neumann in Philadelphia.  This is where he begged St. John Neumann for his prayers that he would be completely healed if he could be, with such child-like faith. To my surprise, it was only then at his March appointment afterwards, that I heard the best news ever in two years.  His bloodwork showed amazing results like that of never before since his diagnosis. I was driving when the Dr. called, so I had to pull over as soon as I could to cry.  His anemia was completely gone. His hemoglobin was great. EVERYTHING was greatly improved.  I know for sure it was God's Blessing.  I don't know for sure how much of it was the massive overhaul of his diet changes and supplements,  or just the Humira. But I do know that the Humira wasn't working for two months prior to making changes. And I believe St. John Neumann's prayers helped. 

It's an amazing story, yes.  Nathan will always use your prayers, because we do pray for healing. Complete healing.  We are working with his doctor to venture into whatever can help him naturally, but the Humira will not be out anytime soon.  He is still very happy and healthy.  He is a great witness to me of virtue, and perseverance, and joyful suffering.  He reminds me of how I should be. 

Nathan running track again-finally- July 2016

So, be strong if you are suffering.  I'm sure your stories are being written.  Let the Lord take the glory that is His. He has chosen you for your strength and commitment that He knows He gave you.  And pray, pray, pray for the grace to overcome these trials with joy.

J.M.J.

Thank you, Serenity Joy

The greatest test for a mother.

The worst tragedy you can image. What it is? I mean, as a mom?

Is it running late for an important event? Getting juice spilled on you from your toddler's leaking sippy cup because in you're in a hurry and you didn't screw the lid on right? Is it finding a rip in your skirt after you arrived to an outing for a special party? How about your husband doing something you least expected at a time when you were not ready for it? A car accident? A sick child in the hospital? Or a complete utter surprise that will forever change the picture of your family? Like a death of a child?

I think the latter pretty much sums up what we moms are most afraid of.  All these other things are merely nonsense, even though they don't seem to be at the moment.  Imagine the last night you put your baby to bed. The last kiss you gave her that she returned with a smile. The last time you read his favorite book.  Or perhaps the last time you had to discipline this little disciple. Most often, we don't take the time to consider that any of these things are actually the last time we do anything with these little people.  However, for some, it is.  And most often, they are taken for granted. 

Why is my post so depressing today you wonder? I have crossed a milestone marker in my life as a mom.  *I* have NOT lost a child.  But, I have had it come too close to home in a couple of friends in the exact past year.  Most recently, just last week, actually.  This little girl's death had hit me hard, and for a number of reasons.  Keep in mind, that I have never asked God, "Why?!" until yesterday.  I guess this is where WISDOM comes from.  All these events that rock our lives in the unexpected way.  This precious little angel at age 6, had Down Syndrome and was a beam of light to all those who knew her.  She was from a family of 12 children.  Her parents are faithful Christians and live with the Eternal Hope. She was found, tragically, drowned; an accident with heartbreaking outcome. When I heard this, all I could picture was her mother holding her like in the movies, babe in arms, dripping wet, screaming out all the life that her baby ever brought into her life. I was crushed. I was so incredibly torn to pieces.  This is what I imagined I would do if I was her.  Do I know the exact details, no. Did I ask, of course not.  But, either way, the horrid storm of storms began.  And so the greatest test of mothers ever to be had. Many of the following thoughts are what crossed my mind as I waited in the calling hours line to give my condolences to the family. 

The Blessed Virgin Mother, Mary, the Mother of Jesus.... had to endure being engulfed by the ginormous wave of weakness and heartache too.  She had to endure the test of her human nature, will, and submission to God. Giving her own Son up for sacrifice on that holy cross for us. She had to watch him suffer a tragic death. And she COULD NOT STOP IT. She could not keep Him, for He was not Hers anymore to keep. I imagine that in the movie, The Passion of the Christ, at the moment He perished, it was fitting for her to drop the sand from her hand as if the life of her was gone, after so tightly squeezing her fists in anxiety and sorrow, is what I would also feel to hear the words, "He is gone."

My connection to this precious family is from a few angles. The most prominent one is that the Mrs. and myself share something in common: both of our children have Down Syndrome. This makes the death of Serenity Joy somewhat personal to me, as the faces of our children are so similar.  The death of any child is traumatic and rough, but I have to add that the extra chromosome means you are loosing something extra special too, when that child passes on.  It makes it a little different, not harder, but different, I'd imagine. This little girl was a perfect angel /gift/light/saint from God.  The joy that the smiles of her face bring are irresistible and healing almost.  I know this because I have a child who does the same for me, for us. I cannot imagine loosing Sebastian.  I cannot fathom the loneliness and the dreariness of the day without him. And with that, my heart is aching for Cindy and Dave.  I know the sort of things they are dreading to miss in Serenity.  I know that fear of the heartache after things settle down.... or seem to settle down.  The nuances of the everyday and the responses from the baby girl they wont hear or see anymore are terrifying.  It isn't fair that God took her.  She was too young. We ALL still needed her. 

We all need Jesus and Our Lady this way.  We cannot live, breathe, hope or experience true joy without them.  Serenity's life teaches me so many lessons that I didn't realize that I could learn from, even as a mom.  Her Down Syndrome reminds me how wonderful this extra chromosome is, and how sad it is that so many like her and Sebastian are wiped from the life they deserve through abortion.  If only people and mothers could know what they would miss! I have shed tears, and tears over this great loss of life.  I hope that God will help me to sort out all the lessons I am to learn from this event. I still ache for her life.  I didn't want this news to be real.

Photo used with permission from the McCarthy family

Today at Mass, Deacon Dean prayed for Serenity Joy.  I posted on Facebook my thoughts of the day.  I reminded Serenity's dad that she will be their cheerleader in Heaven, and he told me that she was nicknamed "Pom Pom".  How sweet.  I hugged my friends.  I saw Sebastian's little features in the features of the few others with Downs at the church.

From my Facebook post:

Its just unbelievable. The rain. On today. My heart sinks like an anchor from a boat in the midst of a storm. The winds have blown. The excitedness of the shock wears down. And what is left? The brokenness of the ship somehow remains afloat and carries on by Gods Miracle. The passenger departed becomes the angel guiding the crew to safety.... the passenger somehow becomes the intercessor at the crews request. She is a champion for those she leaves behind. God will not turn His Merciful ears away from such a champion. I will see her face everyday in the face of my boy. Her name means the calm after this storm. Peace returns. Serenity is all that remains. And Gods Glory is victorious in the hearts of all those who knew this little champion on this ship. Fly away and kiss the face of the Holy Captain, dear sweet Serenity. 😇😇😇😇

                                                                  ******

Today at Mass, one of the readings were from Hebrews12:5-7, 11-13

To sum it up, "Those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines."

Why would this be relevant?  Because to discipline literally means to train up; to make disciples.  Every good Christian I know believes that God is refining us through our trials. 

From this scripture, it says,

 "So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees. Make straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be disjoined, but healed."

This is my encouragement for all my moms and friends weak from loosing a child, or even suffering with the ailments your children are suffering.  It is what Our Lady had to do.  The late Mother Angelica also reminds us, "Suffering without love, is wasted pain." So, we give this heartache and all these tears and all this pain to God that He will use it to bring more souls to Himself, which will bring His Glory.

Also remember what St. James the Apostle reminds us of in James 1:2, "Count it all joy." It is hard to do.  I know its hard.  But we are encouraged to FIND it anyhow.  And we will.  We must just cling to God and the tender love of Jesus.

Oh, my dear, dear, precious friends.  How I wish I could do something more than what I can do to help ease your pain.  I am here for you.  The Lord is hear for you.  Rest your tired and sore hearts upon his flaming Heart of Love. Serenity is waiting for you to know Him the way she does now.  May God's Blessing flow out to you, today, tomorrow and each day to come.  All my prayers and love.  xo

To God be the Glory! And in this storm, know that the calm will come.