Part 1- Cajetan
Well, I guess I will start with the above quote. It may have some of you wondering what on earth St. Ignatius is even talking about. But when I am finished with this series of posts, I hope you will find it clear. I chose this one because it resonated with part of my life in 2015. 2015 was an amazing year, and actually, as the New Year approached, with the 12 o'clock hour near, for the first time I felt a gut punch. . . like I didn't want to say goodbye to 2015. It was kind of weird. I tried for a moment to think of WHY I felt that way, and perhaps the biggest reason was I felt I was going farther and farther away from my dad. Its all in my head, but, still, it means more and more time has gone by since I have last been in his presence. I also haven't had a chance to visit his grave much since August, and I miss him. How is it an honor to suffer, and suffer for GOD? I will have to elaborate on this one in a few posts.
In September, I chose to take a trip south to visit my uncle and aunt, and took my 13 year old, Thad, and baby boys, Sebastian, 2, and Cajetan, (our newest addition in July!). Cajetan was causing me some concern with his health, as I suspected something along the lines of a UTI, but no fever came through, and it left me confused. I took him to the Drs. before I left, but that turned out merely a waste of my time, and within 4 days into our vacation, he was hospitalized out of state and treated for meningitis. Much to my shock already, I had no idea how I was to handle such an ordeal with vacationing with two of my other kids, and being stuck in a hospital for 2 weeks. Long story short, God is GOOD, and family is priceless. Everything worked out just fine, and after 3 and half weeks away from home, and my other kids and husband, (who was about on his knees begging to have me home!), we were reunited. What a crazy way to start off our fall/autumn, and not to mention homeschooling.
See, while I was sitting in yet another hospital, WITH another BABY, God had taught me again, in another lesson, that could have only been arranged by Him. This is where I had much to learn. I'd like to go back to that hospital room with my new baby Cajetan. At 5 weeks old, he was IV'd, and in a little crib, under a heat lamp, and I was in a mess. My first thoughts were of despair, of course, because all I could think about was how my aunt and uncle were going to juggle my boys' vacation time without me too. I was so overwhelmed. Cajetan's stay was going to take us an extra week into September that my plane ticket wasn't set for. Deep down, with my previous experiences with Sebastian, I KNEW -- I just KNEW-- we were going to have to stay the full 14 days, and that all tests the Drs. wanted done to rule this and that out, were going to come up unable to get us out of that hospital. And before anything else happened, I would feel the Holy Spirit, pressing (like with a heavy weight) on my heart, and feeling the urge to accept whatever happened to me, and to Cajetan. It was rough, but it did get worse before it got better for my young but experienced mother's heart.
See, when we first got transferred from one hospital to the Children's hospital, his fever had gone down very quickly. And I was tired. The nurses came in as always to check on him before they could let us sleep uninterrupted, every now and again, until he was stabilized. well, his core body temp had fallen. It fell too low. Like, it was time to hurry and get that body temp back up before it got worse and something bad happened. They brought in socks. They brought in so many blankets. And then they ran out to come in with a heat lamp. While I was waiting for the heat lamp, I took my baby all heavily wrapped with cords- once again- all over my baby, and began to pray. I have never been so concerned for one of my kids as I was with Cajetan. I hadn't ever had a need to be scared and concerned for even Sebastian, before. Touching his face, and his forehead, it was so cool. He was cold. I couldn't even begin to think WHY that was happening. I thought of a friend who just the month before lost her little 19 month old. I CANNOT GO THROUGH THAT. I CANNOT DO WHAT SHE DID. I AM ALONE, HERE, WITHOUT MY HUSBAND AND REST OF MY FAMILY, LORD. I was shaking, and had nothing to do but WAIT on GOD.
Has anyone ever had to literally WAIT on GOD? It can be gut-wrenching. It can be like walking on eggshells, because you never know how things will unfold, and all the while, you are trying to have the Faith St. Peter had while he was walking on the water with JESUS. And it often feels like He isn't working fast enough. I had so many things going through my mind that night. Like, WHAT IF THE WORST HAPPENS AND I HAVE TO CALL MY FAMILY BEARING AWFUL NEWS? Seriously. YOU WILL THINK THOSE THINGS, even in the midst of trying to keep your faith super-doubt-repelled. I called my husband, crying that I didn't want to go through another hospital stay with my baby, and he prayed with me over the phone which was so very comforting, and then began to pray myself over Cajetan. Begging God to raise Cajetan's body temp, and to not ask anymore from me at that moment, I hoped that the current situation would be all for now, until I could breathe easy for a bit. It wasn't anymore that 5 minutes later, and after saying the novena to the Infant of Prague, as I had been constantly touching and rubbing Cajetan's head and face to feel warmth, finally like a blast I could feel him warm up. I began balling so quickly at that touch, and felt so comforted, I felt so embraced and held by God, and I was so thankful. I was beside myself with how quickly my prayers were heard and answered. I didn't deserve His mercy. I didn't deserve His compassion. I didn't deserve a lot of things....
My heart was flooded with so many things. So much thinking. In just those moments, He showed me how quickly life can change... and what an honor it truly is to suffer for Him. I was willing to endure ANYTHING and EVERYTHING necessary for His Glory. But, it is hard, and I had to lean on him for the sake of my child. I even thought of Our Lady. The fear she must have had at the thought of having Jesus taken from her. I thought of how she was told she'd have her heart pierced by a sword, never quite knowing what that would be. The fear she and Joseph felt upon knowing they had to flee to Egypt, to keep Jesus safe. To add to it, it was the first time I felt nothing was in my control. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO to ensure my trip for a vacation would go smoothly while I had to leave my boys to stay in the hospital with the baby. I begged God to take care of things. Not to mention the struggle my husband would have at home without me returning on time. It was a moment of complete surrender. I tell you, sincerely, that in this moment, I had NEVER been able to SURRENDER as I did in that way. It was surreal. It involved that feeling in your stomach, your mind, your heart, and your lungs. A complete breath out, and final LET GO on a notecard, so-to-speak, that said, "Dear God, You know it all. Take all of this, all of me, because I have no where to turn, no where to go, except to YOU. Won't you please just handle this for me? And please, give me the grace I need to TRUST that you WILL. Thank you, and AMEN."
>>> To be continued :)
